Diary of an Abandoned Abandoner.

When adoptees surrender.

The internet breeds insecurity March 12, 2009

Filed under: Body Image — abandonedabandoner @ 7:36 am

I wish I could figure out why my head is where it is. Things were looking up, actually things were looking fantastic until recently. Maybe it is because I am back into my love/hate relationship with food, maybe it is more. I’m betting on more. I sit on Facebook and every single thing my partner writes feels like a direct dig at me personally. So he saw a movie and liked the tits in it. Big deal right? Oh, HUGE deal to me. I hate my body more than anything right now. I long for a full, curvy, womanly figure but I lack the appetite to gain one. When he proclaims to all of the facebooking world that “So-and-so enjoyed the boobs in the watchmen” it makes me feel about three inches tall. Everyone knows I have no chest and there is my boyfriend salivating over onscreen ta-tas. What does that say about me? That I’m not enough, that I lack the very thing that defines a woman to the world.

I’ve walled myself into a tomboy image quite sucessfully. I take jobs that are seen as “mens work”, I try not to dress overly feminine, I swear like a trucker and have cultivated interests that make me a guy’s best friend. All in the name of not having to prove my femininity to anyone. All to be accepted in spite of having the figure and looks of a prepubescent boy. It was working just fine, until now. Now I am dating someone who typically appears to enjoy rounder and softer women, women who I can never measure up to, women who make me cry to look at and women I long to be. How can I possibly be good enough when I am so far from what seems to be his norm? I will never measure up, I can’t. No matter what I may want to look like I will always be me.

In grade six a boy named Nathan bullied me a little about my lack of development, our teacher got in on it and soon my lack of tits became the classroom’s running joke, along with how ugly and annoying I was. It seems that the pain and shame I felt over my body was destined to be a theme in my life. I never did develop quite as well as my peers. Shit, I’ve padded my bra every time I’ve been in public since I was 19. I’ve spend hundreds of dollars on push up bras and gel inserts. I’ve researched every herbal gimmick on the market and even gone so far as to whore myself to men online via pictures, videos and chatting in a vain attempt to get them to pay for implants. I want me some boobies and I want them now dammit. I want to feel and look like a girl…

Because if I don’t why would he stay?

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