Diary of an Abandoned Abandoner.

When adoptees surrender.

Two years of learning trust smashed in one night. January 31, 2010

Filed under: adoption — abandonedabandoner @ 6:29 pm

For 13 years I have pushed down my emotions. Ignored my lost son other than to tell people how wonderful he is, how cute of a baby he was, how much I miss him but never what really happened or how I have haven’t coped or dealt with his adoption. Eleven years ago I found myself in reunion, within the span of a week I went from never thinking about being adopted to living with my natural mother and living adoption 100% of the time. Soon after I was found I came across an adoption chat room on Yahoo! and after a week of lurking I jumped into the conversation. Within days a woman named Katesco slammed me with a reality that left my defenses bristling, she  said that a disproportionately large number of adoptees surrender their children. I went off on her, getting defensive and very angry, I internalized that and thought she was slamming me down. Nothing could be farther from the truth. The truth is that it is true. Adoptees are overrepresented in many areas and few are positive. We make up less than 3% of the population yet make up an average of 5-15% of patients in treatment. In some facilities the recorded percentage can be as high as 80%. Shocking but, sadly, not surprising.  I haven’t come across any hard stats for natural parents but I suspect those numbers are high as well. When a person holds a dual position of loss, being an adoptee and a natural parent, I suspect these numbers would be staggering. I have kept my two sides miles apart in my mind, perhaps out of a subconscious need for self preservation, perhaps because I simply can’t rectify the two sides in my own mind, perhaps out of shame. How could I dare talk about my own pain as an adoptee when I am the reason another person will suffer the same fate? As anyone who has  dealt with their issues of loss will tell you, you can only push it down for so long before it consumes you and you are forced to deal with it, one way or another.

That adoption chat room became my solace. The one place I was able to connect with other adoptees and share my pain without fear. It took years there before I started sharing my true feelings. It takes me years to feel comfortable enough to share this with anyone, anywhere. Slowly but surely the adoption room fell apart and we moved on to other places, connections were lost, people were lost and I was very lost. Searching for somewhere to continue my inner healing I came across Yahoo! Answers and the adoption section there. Again I slowly started letting out my story but since it is an open forum filled with adoptees, natural parents, people hoping to adopt and adoptive parents I always felt the need to hold back. In time I was given the link to an adoptee only forum and again came the slow path to building trust and allowing myself to talk about my story.

I have formed bonds at this forum like no others in my life. For the first time I was able to talk about my loss as a LOSS, instead of as what the rest of the world wants it to be… a GAIN. I met others who were just as pissed off and fucked up as I am. I met people who shared my emotions and validated them. It was liberating and very healing. I became more involved with adoptee rights and the push for open records across North America. I saw New Orléans! I saw Philadelphia! I met people in person! I laughed with them and I cried with them, in person and online. I gained friendships that were meaningful. I felt liked for who I am, possibly for the first time in my life. I felt secure. Slowly I started to analyze the emotions in my mind that had always been there, the buried emotions that I had pushed down for three decades. The healing came in waves, up and downs, highs and lows but with the support of my new friends the good times started to overrule the bad and I felt like I was making progress, HUGE progress. The problem with healing one trauma when you have many is that there will be another lurking on the horizon, waiting,  as you start feeling good about one the other jumps in and beats you down. This is where I am at today. Feeling OK (never good) about being an adoptee yet swallowed by being a natural mother.

Last night my mother side jumped in and bitch slapped me. Hitting me like a sock full of quarters I suddenly realized I could not continue to push that down. I need to deal with it, learn how to cope with my own emotions and ultimately become who my son might someday need me to be, an emotionally sound mother instead of this broken shell I have carefully cultivated over the years. As with any realization of this kind I also realized that I can not come to healing alone. The kicker is that I have started to feel as both an adoptee and a natural mother at the same time. I can no longer answer questions or talk about my past as one or the other, I have started to feel as both at once. After hours searching online I started seeing that there is very little in the way of support for adoption loss in general, be it for adoptees or for natural parents, but there is almost nothing for people like me. The Abandoned Abandoners of the world are left to cope either as an adoptee OR a natural parent or they are left to cope alone. Talking about my “other” side is not easy for me. Reaching out for help is next to impossible. I went to the only place where I have ever felt secure talking adoption, The Forum. Ohh big mistake missy! I asked what I thought was an acceptable question. “Does anyone know of a place for natural parents where there won’t be surprise skittle butsecs ?” I didn’t ask for support for my mom side. I didn’t ask anyone to talk to me about the pain I was feeling. I asked for links to other places for that. I would never try to gather support for my mom side from my adopted pals, I know that would be inappropriate but seeing as how there are other moms there, as well as a handful of adoptive parents, and I posted it in a section open to non-adoptees , I felt like it was safe. Wrong, wrong, wrong. So here I am vulnerable, very alone and extremely lost and I get SLAMMED! How DARE I??? HOW DARE YOU, YOU INCONSIDERATE BITCH??? What made me think I had any right to reach out to my “friends” for advice about where to go for the support I needed?  Again I felt ashamed of who I am. Ashamed to be this person, this person who abandons after being abandoned. This fool who repeated the cycle.

So where does that leave me today? I don’t know. I’m certainly no longer confident enough to share my experience with others. I guess I need to pull back and start evaluating again. About all I do know at this point is that just because I feel comfortable with people it doesn’t mean they will feel comfortable with me. I can’t stop being who I am but I can stop interacting in places where I will meet with contempt. Back to the pushing it down, back to self preserving instead of healing.

I only have 34 months left before I HAVE to have this crap under control. In just under three years my son will turn 18. Who knows if he will search or want to know me when I search but I have to make sure I am healed enough on my own that I won’t hurt him with my crap. I’ve battled and beaten anorexia, post partum depression, the loss of two mothers, cancer and so much more by myself. I can do this alone too. I have to, my son might depend on it and before anything else I am a mother, his mother.


12 Responses to “Two years of learning trust smashed in one night.”

  1. rox Says:

    you are wonderful. i understand deeply.

  2. dory Says:

    Andraya – seriously? One person was bothered by your post and numerous members spoke up and supported you and you criticize the forum as a whole? Heck, I reached out to you publicly and privately as I’m sure others did as well.

    • abandonedabandoner Says:

      Honestly Dory right now all it takes is one thing, one person, one comment to leave me totally broken. On series of comments like that is enough to make me wonder who else feels the same way but doesn’t speak up.

      I put myself out there, I tried to be funny and hide the pain and just ask for something without dragging any emotion into it and it backfired on me. It takes me so much to ask at all and this is why. I feel like shit having to ask, after all I’m suppose to be able to fix it alone, and then when I muster up the courage I question myself over and over and over if it was the “right” thing to do. If I had any right to do it at all. So yeah, one comment. That’s all it takes. I’m that broken, seriously.

      It’s not that I criticize the forum or even any of the people there. If it seems that way then I fucked it up, not like that is any surprise. I don’t belong anywhere and that is just maddening to me. I don’t belong with the moms and I don’t belong with the adotees. I didn’t belong with my natural family and I didn’t belong with my adopted one. I don’t even belong with my kids. I don’t know how to act around ANYONE. No matter what you read from me or what you hear me say it isn’t the full truth, there is always something hiding. How does someone ever really fit in when they are always hiding something? They don’t.


      • dory Says:

        Why do you feel you are supposed to be able to fix it alone? I certainly haven’t fixed myself alone – well, I’m certainly not fixed either LOL. But I’ve come a long way thanks to my friends – most of which are online. We all give and take and bounce ideas and thoughts off each other. Sometimes something clicks and it helps, sometimes we help someone else.

        I’m not even sure fixing is possible – more just figuring out tools to help us trudge through. That I believe is possible. Healing, forgiveness, blah blah blah, all that stuff *I* feel is overrated – learning how to function is what I concentrate on.

        Grasp on to the hands that reach out to you and walk by those who don’t.

  3. withoutorigin Says:

    Hey, it’s Heather. We love you.

  4. dory Says:

    You know Andraya – I was totally projecting my own insecurities about the forum in my first comment. I tend to be overly protective and sensitive about that place and all its members. I apologize for not realizing that you were speaking about one commenter and not the forum as a whole. Please forgive me.

    • abandonedabandoner Says:

      Nah, it did come off like I was pissy with the whole place. I took a walk and came back to read what I wrote again and yeah, I came off bitter (lol). Without that place I wouldn’t be half as OK as I am right now. My biggest problem is that I project my insecurities there lately. I can’t get into other people’s reunions because I am terrified Jay won’t want to know me when the time comes and I REALLY can’t get into anything to do with Nmoms, that is pretty self explanitory lol.

      I’m so afraid of being attacked that I erase most of the posts I write lately. I feel like so many of my own issues are coming from Jay’s surrender right now and I am so afraid to let that side into anything there that I just don’t want to post at all but then I feel like a jerk for not being supportive when people need it. Round and round we go!

      It’s so hard not to put our own spin on other’s words. I guess my real issue right now is that in the last year I have had two really major crisis situations happen and both lead to me being attacked, put down and told I had no right to post about it. That hurt me to the core. I know there are people there who care about me but in the middle of such intense pain it is hard to see the good and easy to only see the bad kwim?

      I love you guys though, I hope you know that ♥

  5. Jocelyn Says:

    check out this site for natural moms

    I think we might be who you’re looking for


  6. Cheerio Says:

    I had to re-read your last paragraph about having 34 months to get it together … it scares the bajeebers out of me too. ‘it’ being reunion…and I guess i haven’t counted down in months but now that you make me stop and count it … (unless my math is wrong & that’s a good possibility) I too have 34 months till my son turns 18.

    I am so sorry you were attacked – I didn’t read all the comments but I read enough to see what you’re talking about.
    I can see how you would feel like your safe place was desecrated & how deeply that would wound you.

    I know you say you aren’t comfortable around other nmoms, so I don’t want to pry. But my offer will always stand, and my hand will remain open and outstretched if you ever wanna talk/vent/etc… and you know i’ve realized the ugly side of adoption and haven’t farted raibows in a long time 😉

    very sincerely

  7. I enjoyed reading it. I need to read more on this topic..Thanks for sharing a nice info..Any way I am going to subscribe to your feed and I hope you post again soon.

  8. Cricket Says:

    I had no idea what happened on the forums, but I want to tell you that I love you…I support you..and don’t let one person’s issues push the rest of your friends away. I’ve been there, done that and ended up more frustrated than when I started out.


  9. Jeannette Says:

    I just started reading your blog. I truly thank you for putting yourself out here. I am a natural mom. My daughter that I relinquished is now 18 and she placed her son almost 3 months ago. I honestly don’t think many of us really know the truth about adoption when we place. We don’t realize how much adoption will hurt ourselves and how much it will hurt our children. It is definately a very hard thing to live with on a daily basis.

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