Diary of an Abandoned Abandoner.

When adoptees surrender.

Being infertile, life is what you make it, not what you take for it. March 3, 2010

Filed under: adoption — abandonedabandoner @ 9:39 pm

I haven’t talked much about my personal life here, in fact I haven’t even outed my own double sided adoption story, but I want to share a bit about my own fertility troubles and how they have affected me.

When I was in my early twenties I was diagnosed with pre-cancerous lesions on my cervix, they rapidly mutated and I soon found myself with the dreaded “C”. Numerous procedures and treatments left my cervix “incompetent” and my ovaries damaged. I was told I would never again be able to carry a fetus to term. I was crushed but life goes on and I even sighed a small sigh of relief as I was very much done giving birth in my own heart. My body, however, had other plans and at 28 I found myself with a newborn daughter, she was far from planned but was very much loved and wanted once she was here. I thought of this as some kind of “miracle” and was rather astonished to discover that my body had indeed healed itself enough to be just as fertile as it had been before the cancer. So I became a woman who had, at one time, been infertile but was now as normal as any other woman. As with most other things in my life I took it in stride and thought little of the development other than loving the baby I had helped create.

In the spring of 2009 I found myself pregnant again but this time any choice I may have had was taken out of my hands and decided for me. The pregnancy was ectopic and had attached itself to my right ovary while growing into my right fallopian tube. It ruptured just past the 6 week mark and cause massive internal bleeding. I ended up having surgery to remove it and opted to have my left tube dealt with at the same time. After almost losing my life I KNEW I was done with the whole brood mare idea.

I know infertility and fertility. I have almost died as a result of my fertility and have had near death be the cause of my infertility and yet I still struggle to understand the extremes that infertile women often go to in their desperate search for parenthood. Granted I am unable to understand what it is like to be infertile and have no children at all but I do know the process of grieving what often defines us as women; our ability to create and bring forth life. I often wonder if it isn’t that inability that causes the desperation and near panic we see in the adoption world. Is it the desire to be a mother or the desire to be what the world thinks we should that makes women so insane over mothering? I think it is a combination of the two coupled with our western sense of entitlement and it is a dangerous combination indeed. At no other point in time have so many women been stripped of their children in so many barbaric and cruel ways as in the last century. Coerced and forced adoptions, children removed from homes for completely bogus reasons by our governments, infant kidnappings and possibly the most heinous of all; pregnant women being murdered so their children can be stolen from their own wombs. Why is it that these things have only be seen to increase recently and not only increase in numbers but increase in brutality as well? Gone are the days of helping out those less fortunate, now we rape them of their offspring so that others with better finances may purchase them as little more than chattel. Gone are the days of women gazing longingly at a baby bump, now those same women cut the fetus out with crude tools to pass off as their own. Gone are the days of our governments helping our fellow citizens, now we watch as their child “welfare” agencies trump up charges to make “permanency plans” easier.

When does it all end? In my mind and heart it ends when we stop seeing a woman’s value from between her legs and start offering better reproductive health therapy instead of better test tube babies and more accessible genetic donor clinics. We shouldn’t be pushing people to raise the children of others, we should be pushing people to find peace in their own hearts and minds before they make ANY choice at all… but that would be bad for business now wouldn’t it?

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One Response to “Being infertile, life is what you make it, not what you take for it.”

  1. Lori Says:

    The amazing part of your post is the total honesty. I can understand the feeling of “oh crap” when you have found you have cervical cancer, I was 15 when they diagnosed mine. I got pregnant afterwards and knew, somehow, there would be only one child.

    And, true to form, I had but one child.

    I was pregnant almost 2 years ago for about 3 weeks.

    But the truth of your statements make me have hope…..it is not that adoption is bad, just the reasons behind it must be more real and not about being infertile.


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