I wrote the following on Facebook quite a while ago. It was written as a general idea but in truth it was for one person and one person only. Many people responded to it and told me that it mirrored their own feelings so I want to share it here too.
The bastard in love, lust and agony.
Being adopted is hard work. It takes more effort to trust, love, accept and believe. Not to give those things, mind you, but to allow others to give them to me. I trust, love, accept and believe too intensely, too soon and without thinking it through. But to receive them from others is heart wrenching. I can list off a thousand reasons why I am simply, not good enough. If I sit down and actually think about it I AM good enough, often TOO good, but in the moment my inner strength backs down like a puppy shit kicked one too many times. This can not be the way to live, this can not be how I spend my life, angry and alone because of fear. Fear that yet another person will walk away, die, be taken or otherwise removed from my life. It cripples every personal relationship in my life, friends, family, lovers and even my children. Putting this out there on facebook is probably the stupidest thing I can do… already my brain is pushing. It’s like tempting the fates, “See! I told you I wasn’t what you needed or wanted! Neener, neener, neener!”
So here is my promise to myself and to all of you. I will try not to sabotage my relationship with you, whatever form of relationship that is. I will accept whatever you are able to give and give whatever you are able to accept. I will initiate conversation without letting my brain finish it for you based on what I think you will say. I will not read your mind, only my own. I will be more tolerant of what others are able to offer. I will enjoy the time I have with each and every one of you and never push you for more than you can give at any moment. I won’t put my shit onto you or my words in your mouth.
And if I can’t and you see me acting in a way that is putting our relationship in jeopardy all I ask is that you tell me one thing…
STOP ACTING SO F**KING ADOPTED YOU BEAUTIFUL BASTARD!
Today I really needed to go back and read this again. The person I originally wrote this for is going through a difficult time and being the true adoptee that I am I fell into thinking that it had something to do with me. I have no reason to think that but I am so afraid of losing this person that I internalized his pain, thinking I had somehow caused it. It takes so much work to be in a relationship when you have abandonment issues! I constantly over think things and falsely believe that I do nothing but cause others pain. The plus side is that now I can see when I am doing it and stop myself before I make any big mistakes. I also tend to want to “fix” things. I guess I act like some APs do lol, always thinking that love is enough and that I can “love” away the pain of others… You would think I’d know better.
Today I will be patient, I will wait however long I have to. Today I won’t try to be anything other than what you ask me to be and if that’s nothing I will wait until you need me. I’m not going anywhere unless you tell me to. I know what it is like to be where you are and I applaud and love you for doing what you have been. Your strength amazes me. Even though I don’t have the guts to tell you that right now someday I will, or maybe you will somehow read this and know. I’m here for you.