Diary of an Abandoned Abandoner.

When adoptees surrender.

Ghost babies who go bump in the night. July 14, 2010

Filed under: Uncategorized — abandonedabandoner @ 11:22 pm

I’m having some “issues” lately. Well not really lately since they have been slowly working their way to the surface for 13 years now, I guess lately they have just pushed past the last wall standing.

I haven’t been honest with anyone. Not even here where I proclaim to the world that this is MY space and you can all go to hell with the Bastard Fairies. My GP thinks I have PTSD. I have been heavily medicated since January, anti-depressants, anti-anxiety, sleeping pills etc. I know I need to deal with the reason for it head on but I just can’t. Dealing with it means walking away from a support system I trust and trying to trust one that I don’t feel worthy of being in. I can’t talk to the adoptee bunch about Justin because if I do I fear being promptly put in my place and I am afraid to talk to the mom bunch about it because it is just too raw and I am not sure if I can put myself out there on a mom level right now. I don’t see the moms as my peers, I see them as, well, moms. A title I don’t think I deserve to hold.

There is a big part of me that believes all the shit the social wrecker put in my head. I feel guilty for my girls, what right do I have to raise them at all when I couldn’t raise my son? I feel guilty about how I have mistreated the Big Girl because of that and I feel guilty that the Little Girl is here with me when her siblings didn’t get their Mommy all the time.

I am afraid to say anything about it to almost everyone I know because I never know who will give me a hug and who will give me “the look”, that dreaded look of disgust that says it all. “How could you do that to your own child after living it yourself?” I never made an “adoption plan”, my plan was to raise my son. That plan was also yanked out of my hands because of health issues beyond my control, mental health issues brought about because I am ADOPTED. I was weak, easy prey, a brood mare who spit out a pretty little “Hitler Baby”, blond and blue, cute as a button and smart as a whip. The kind of child that people pay the big bucks for and all they had to do was beat me down a bit and he was all theirs, for free.

So how do I talk to people about it when they obviously detest the type of person I am? How do I ask for help easing my pain when the people I should trust I can’t and the people I don’t trust are the ones I most want acceptance and empathy from? How do I manage to force myself out of bed each day knowing that there is a ghost baby waiting just outside my line of sight ? How do I sleep knowing he will tear me from my nightmares with his mournful cries of “Mommy”?

I force myself out of bed because the Little Girl needs to be fed. I lie awake at night watching shit like Nancy Grace and Golden Girls reruns until my mind is so numb and my eyes so heavy I can pass out and not think about it for an hour or two. It really doesn’t do any good. Every night he is there waiting for me, waiting to call me from my slumber and have me tearing around the house trying to find him to offer some comfort. Days are no better, he is there, watching out of the corner of my eye, sometimes laughing but more often crying or begging with looks and toddler babbles.

Some days I can remember that he isn’t three anymore, he is 15. That isn’t any easier either. I scan the faces of young boys at the mall. I troll social networking sites like Nexopia hoping to see my face. I look at his home on Google Maps, then moving out to his neighbourhood and the local schools, imagining that every person they caught on camera is him. I play little games in my head where I try to think what he might look like, piecing together his toddler face with his 7 year old face then trying to add bits of his father and I into the fantasy image. I sit at my table and whisper through complete conversations with an empty chair, trying to hear a young man’s voice answer me from the fantasy image in my mind.

I take my meds religiously out of fear, fear that I will lose it if the numbness is lost and fear that I will go completely crazy if I don’t take them. I refuse therapy for it because I don’t trust myself to deal with it in depth just yet. The worst part lately is that I finally had someone within reach who I honestly felt could listen to me and be my rock in the male way I need but he’s too unbalanced right now to even hang out with me, let alone hold me while I sob for a lost child. I know there are others who can offer that but I need that trust factor and for many years there has only been one man I totally trust. I’m starting to think that I am so broken men can smell it like a dog smells fear and they all have to either use it to control and hurt me or use it as a reason to head for the hills.

Meh, whatever.

I’m sure this is all just rambling nonsense but who cares? This is MY space after all and if I want to ramble on like a lunatic hey, so be it.

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12 Responses to “Ghost babies who go bump in the night.”

  1. 7rin Says:

    **massive hugs**

    I don’t begin to be able to understand that side of the adoption equation, but while I can’t speak for other adoptees, I do want you to be aware that =from me=, when =I= launch at bmoms, it’s aimed at those who show no remorse for their wilful (so they think) abandonment, and is not in the slightest aimed at those who were coerced/forced/etc.

    I know it probably doesn’t help in the slightest tbh, but did wanna make sure you know this.

  2. Christina Says:

    Sweet girl, you have friends…you have supporters. Speaking for myself, I have never looked at you with disgust because of Justin. I think you’re one of the strongest members of the forum because of that. Being an adoptee is incredibly difficult..but being an adoptee who is also a natural mom, well, that pain is magnified a thousand fold.

    My heart aches for you…you are not alone.

    ~Christina aka ElenaKatherine

  3. Sunny Says:

    I would give you hugs.

  4. Lori Says:

    It’s not lunacy. You are a mom – you are a child. It is only lunacy to deny either. Yes, the adoptees and mother’s can be very unkind, so can a lot of other people in this world.

    You are not the first and you won’t be the last.

    Don’t let the social “wreckers” win, remember this, not everything is at it seems, even when it is about you, within you or part of you. You have children that love you, even the one not there.

    Hang in there! Hey, I will loan you my antidepressants – you are not the only one.

  5. Linda Says:

    ((((A))))

    I love you, and you are missed.

    • rox Says:

      God I relate to all of this. I don’t get any support at the adoptee forum. Wanna hang with me and talk adoptee issues at the new forum? I’m hoping more adoptees join us and it can be a safe place for adoptees who don’t fit in at AAAFC, as well as for adoptees who want to hang with those of us who don’t fit in at AAAFC. Because I know a lot of adoptees there really do care.

  6. rox Says:

    Ugh. It makes me so mad that people wouldn’t support you and care about you Andraya. I know what it’s like to wish that you be validated for the part of you that is adopted and the pain you were already going through that lead to everything being so fucked up.

    It makes me really angry that people don’t try to understand how things like emotional issues, mental health issues, addiction issues…. how they happen and how sometimes people are doing everything they can to “be whole” and “be healthy” and it’s not enough.

    I deeply support a complete overhaul of the mental health system, but I also think people have unrealistic expectations that “if people take their meds they are fine.”

    Bullshit. It doesn’t always work like that. I’m sick of a support system that says that people who are deeply hurting and in pain need to be on meds in the first place. How about we SUPPORT EACH OTHER. But people run the second they see evidence of a traumatic past.

    The people who need love the most are the ones who get ostracized and kicked in the fucking dirt. And shoved full of meds by well meaning psychiatrists who think they are helping, but ultimately don’t give a shit because they are just looking for a paycheck and to build their own ego such that they can say, “I am an expert. I know what I’m doing. I heal people and this is how it should be done and if it doesn’t work than there must be something wrong with the patient. Oh! They have a personality disorder.”

    Grrrrr.

    Sometimes I get so fucking sick of adoptees attacking moms who lost their kids and love them with all their hearts. You think you know pain being adopted? You fucking THINK you know pain? HA MOTHER FUCKING HA.

    I know adoptee pain. I know all about it. I IMAGINED what my mother went through losing me my whole life. I imagined the sobs and sorrow and the never ending pain.

    And guess what? I GUARANTEE YOU YOU DO NOT HAVE A MOTHER FUCKING CLUE THE LEVEL OF HORRIFIC MIND SPLITTING TRAUMA UNLESS YOU LIVE IT.

    Unless you have had EVERYONE YOU KNOW tell you that adoption is best, and had a childs father that was sexually abusing you and told you that he heard voices that told him to kill people and that a gray blob was following him everywhere and watching him and judging him, and that he thinks he might molest your daughter and carrying around guns, unless you have dealt with that while trying to find a place to live and being filled with overwhelming depression and pain and barely able to handle each day and wondering what that will mean for your child, and no you want to know what? SOME THINGS ARE WORSE THAN BEING ADOPTED.

    The logic works on women who are struggling because there is TRUTH IN IT. Do I want to end adoption with every fiber of my being? Fuck yeah.

    But the solution isn’t to be an incompassionate FUCK toward every pregnant woman who worries she isn’t good enough to be a mother. It’s to provide support for the root causes of mothers who are struggling to be what their children need.

    But the people who are really self absorbed fucks, don’t give a shit about the next generation of adoptees. They don’t give a shit what will ACTUALLY HELP ADOPTEES NOT WIND UP ADOPTED. They just give a shit that get to destroy innocent human beings that have NOTHING to do with them.

  7. Robin Says:

    You are a mom. No one can say you aren’t. You are the kind of person the industry looks for…vulnerable and hurting. Your pain is valid and your grief is acknowledged and don’t ever think it isn’t. Those that don’t support your feelings don’t matter. You need support, Hon…not rants. Many of us do care about you.

  8. Sandy Young Says:

    Andraya,
    I read your post, and almost wept. I remember so clearly what you are talking about…the ghost baby. My ghost boy called me for many years. He calls me still from time to time. I have learned after many years of reunion to separate the ghost baby from the man.

    I am sorry that you feel so isolated. Please be gentle with you. You are a mother. you are an adoptee. It sucks that you have to feel these losses from both ends, but it gives you a perspective that can, I suppose, be discomforting for some people. It is a heavy burden. Thanks for bearing it. Please know that you don’t carry it alone. There are some who would help you with these separate loads.

  9. abandonedabandoner Says:

    Thanks everyone! It seems as though every time I hit a good spot and feel as though I am working through one thing another pops up and bitch slaps me.

    Good ol’ ‘doption huh?

  10. Dove Says:

    Aww A. Love you. Always will. You know damn well I don’t bat an eyelash at dropping what I’m doing to come be with you or listen to you. I know you’re not quite ready to deal with a lot of things… but you’re closer than you have been as long as I’ve known you. Baby steps, and just one at a time. Also – you’re always pretty honest with me. I know you can’t say the words, but you also know how well I see through the facades.


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