I think it is hard for me to admit that my shit is as important as the shit in anyone’s life kwim? I have health, happiness, family, love, a home, food, the best friends a person could ask for etc. but I still can’t drag myself out of the funk some days. I feel, dare I say it, ungrateful for having so much when so many others have nothing. I live in a society where even the poorest of the poor can access the bare necessities while in other parts of the world children are dying because there is no clean water to drink, they can’t walk into a gas station bathroom and drink their fill like I could. I feel greedy wanting more.
Even if you only look at the emotional side, and ignore that I have my physical needs met, I’m lucky. I’ve overcome adversity that would surely send many to the closet for a rope but here I am. Is it courage? Or is it fear that keeps me here day in and day out? Maybe it is neither. Maybe I am just wallowing in my own shit, so many have it so much worse than me.
I know I shouldn’t feel guilty for my crap or how I feel about it. My shit will always be bigger to me than yours, because it is mine. That is also a hard pill to swallow. My children may not all be with me but they are all alive. I may not be close with all of my family but the ones who are there are the most amazing people anyone could hope for. I’m not about to die and I have lived even when I was. I’ve learned life lessons that make me strong, help me to help others through their pain and have taught me to be a better person. I AM blessed but some days I feel so broken, so unable and unwilling to continue enjoying my life simply because I have “more” than others. I feel almost entitled at times. After living through what I have why can’t I make my life what I want it to be, what I feel it should be? I feel lazy and unmotivated. I feel like everything I do is simply not enough, like I should be doing more, doing it better and doing it without ever bitching. Because I am lucky.
So why does my luck feel like such a pit of nothing?