Diary of an Abandoned Abandoner.

When adoptees surrender.

Wallowing and the guilt it brings. August 22, 2010

Filed under: Uncategorized — abandonedabandoner @ 1:47 pm

I think it is hard for me to admit that my shit is as important as the shit in anyone’s life kwim? I have health, happiness, family, love, a home, food, the best friends a person could ask for etc. but I still can’t drag myself out of the funk some days. I feel, dare I say it, ungrateful for having so much when so many others have nothing. I live in a  society where even the poorest of the poor can access the bare necessities while in other parts of the world children are dying because there is no clean water to drink, they can’t walk into a gas station bathroom and drink their fill like I could. I feel greedy wanting more.

Even if you only look at the emotional side, and ignore that I have my physical needs met, I’m lucky. I’ve overcome adversity that would surely send many to the closet for a rope but here I am. Is it courage? Or is it fear that keeps me here day in and day out? Maybe it is neither. Maybe I am just wallowing in my own shit, so many have it so much worse than me.

I know I shouldn’t feel guilty for my crap or how I feel about it. My shit will always be bigger to me than yours, because it is mine. That is also a hard pill to swallow. My children may not all be with me but they are all alive. I may not be close with all of my family but the ones who are there are the most amazing people anyone could hope for. I’m not about to die and I have lived even when I was. I’ve learned life lessons that make me strong, help me to help others through their pain and have taught me to be a better person. I AM blessed but some days I feel so broken, so unable and unwilling to continue enjoying my life simply because I have “more” than others. I feel almost entitled at times. After living through what I have why can’t I make my life what I want it to be, what I feel it should be? I feel lazy and unmotivated. I feel like everything I do is simply not enough, like I should be doing more, doing it better and doing it without ever bitching. Because I am lucky.

So why does my luck feel like such a pit of nothing?

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One Response to “Wallowing and the guilt it brings.”

  1. in some aspects i would have to agree at the same time my life has not been perfect either being abandoned at young age than finding a calling but only to find it was only a fake a none existing comfort and at the first sign of trouble left yet again alone once more but the fact that my mental and physical body are still hear what ever form of powers that be deemed it so that fact alone keeps going with the occasional friends that i meet the fact we have not been consumed by the earth and its energy means that the path has not been fully realized yet i do feel low some times but at the same time it could also an overwhelming calm a realization that things might be looking up but a flash back puts you back into your low always keeping you there in a fake world that does not fully awaken


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