Diary of an Abandoned Abandoner.

When adoptees surrender.

I am truly a motherless daughter. September 12, 2011

Filed under: Uncategorized — abandonedabandoner @ 1:43 pm

Family bonds have never meant a whole lot to me. I guess you could say that losing my adoptive mother at 14 and then having her entire family walk out of my life showed me that families are about as solid as a house of cards. I learned early that my acceptance was conditional; as long as I didn’t show my “bad blood” I was welcome but as soon as my pain and grief started showing through I was no longer welcome within the family fold. I had always thought this was because I was adopted, not born, into the family. Well colour me stupid, I was wrong. Even people with whom I share blood can, and do, walk away from me as easily as the adopted family did.

The biggest struggle in my life is feeling disposable. I wait for people to leave me, not for people to love me. It’s ok, save the awwws and poor dears, I long ago learned to accept it even if it stings. Every relationship in my life is viewed as temporary because all of them have been temporary and if I go around thinking “this person might be the one who stays” the pain of rejection becomes too much to bear. Stupidly, I allowed myself to believe that one relationship was permanent, simply because it’s the one relationship that is universally accepted as almost always being that way… My relationship with my natural mother. Obviously it wasn’t considered permanent on her end or I wouldn’t be pouring my heart out to a machine, now would I?

I’m not sure when the real troubles started but I feel like she started withdrawing around the time that I started being more involved with adoptee rights. When I was getting ready to leave for New Orleans in 2008 she would quickly end our conversations if the protest was brought up. Same thing for Philadelphia in 2009. There were no comments on any photos I posted and not even a “How was the flight?” during conversations. I quickly learned to keep my adoption antics to myself but the conversations rapidly decreased in number. Over the past year there has been next to no contact between us other than a very occasional comment on facebook and those have never been made to me directly, rather they have been made to others in regard to something I may have said. My breaking point came last week, or should I say that it came on my birthday but wasn’t articulated until last week. I’ve never been a real birthday person. I live to show others a good time on their special day but mine was never really special and I long ago stopped hoping anyone would make a big deal out of it. Bastards just don’t get super duper special birthdays in my world. Even though my expectations are low I do expect that the other person who shared that day with me will acknowledge it. This year it didn’t happen. No call, no card, no gift (rofl @ gift as though I get those), no email, no facebook message, not even a damned wall post. I won’t lie, I was hurt and angry. Last year I got a message two days late, this year I got nothing. Oh well, maybe next year? Not if I can help it.

Last week I was trolling her facebook page out of boredom and an inane need to feel connected to her life even though I have obviously been shut out. Then I saw IT. A happy birthday wall greeting from my mother to… my sister’s friend. Uh, what? No really? WTF? Oh yes, there it is in all it’s sappy fucking glory. She took the time to write on the wall of a girl my sister is friends with but couldn’t muster up 30 seconds of her life to say it to me. Once again I am disposable, rejected, unloved and unwanted. I wanted nothing more than to reach through the screen and shake a bitch while yelling “What the hell is wrong with you that I matter so damn little? Is it me? Am I really that unlovable? That intolerable? That horrid of a person and daughter that you ignore the day you brought me into this world???” The little girl inside of me cried and the adult inside of me raged. Now I just feel numb. That is my mother. I rented her womb for 10 months. She literally made me who I am. She gave me away and then 34 years later she cast me aside. Happy Birthday indeed. Today I am glad for my fake birth certificate, I’d hate for anyone to know I was created by such a cruel and cold person.


4 Responses to “I am truly a motherless daughter.”

  1. Susie Says:

    I am so sorry…

    *sigh* I will never understand moms who can’t/won’t embrace their children in reunion.

  2. Kate Says:

    Happy Birthday…I often wonder what my bmom thinks about every year when the Halloween decorations start filling stores. Because I was born on Halloween…and the world won’t let her forget that, even though she apparently has forgotten me. I’m trying to find my two adopted sons’ families…because I don’t want them to feel all alone in the world the way I sometimes do. But birthdays remind us that we are here, and even if she doesn’t want to wish you a happy one, I do. We are all here for a purpose and so I’m glad you are here to fulfill yours.

  3. Well hello friends I never really meant to stop blogging here, but I was stalled in my weight loss journey and then I gave up blogging for a while.

  4. Monica Says:

    Hello, Today, is one of my worst days. I was tring to research some information on the heart of a motherless heart…..( My desire to have a child and to love them the way I was never loved) With that said, I truely can relate your blog. I know that your blog started and ended too soon, but I came across this just but 10mins. ago. I have never read the hurt and pain, the exact words, feeling and experience as I did when I came across your blog. My mother gave birth to me 42 years ago. Hated every moment of my life until she finally gave me up to foster care when I was 16….It seemed and appeared like I was much younger, because of the little girl inside of me, that wanted to be loved….No matter, how much I tried, I always seemed to say or do something that pist her off and shut me out…..growing accostume to the lack of family and love…I too have learned to not understand why people get so upset about birthday, or what happens when family just disappear; with no words of explination. At 34, I was getting married, and wanted both my bmom and spiritual mother to walk down the asle before me…I wanted this just to help her feel better. There I was caring about her feelings on the most exciting day of my life, putting her feelings before mine….Because what I wanted to do was, just have my spiritual mom walk me down. I swallowed my pride, and invited her in to part-take in my planning. She told me that she wanted to pay for my wedding, I with no hesitation, refused to let her do that, Why should I, so that she could let everyone else know she cared enought to pay for my wedding. NO, way,,,,,I told her that I wanted to take care of things, and that if she truely felt it in heart to give a gift. she could give it on my wedding day. So after that I included her in my wedding planning, sent her many emails, texts and Facebooked her on every wedding dress I wanted, and what were plans were…I was excited….I was planning a King and Queen Costume Wedding, I got married at Gelitte Castle on the mountain cliffs of the CT River. All of a sudden, there were no responses from her, I showed her the dress (custume) I wanted her to wear, told her about the castle and out door reception party, with horse and carriage (Which, I never got to ride the horse and carriage- for get the reasons). I sent her emails, left her voice messages, she never responded. So I told my husband, I some how knew that she would do this….I some how expected it……..Then 4 months before my wedding, I recieved a call from her, she wanted to talk….So I politely said, “I’m listening”. Her exact words, I don’t like the idea that you are having that women (referring to my spiritual mom- who was once her best friend). walk down the asle representing her as my mother. And that to be very honest, it should only be her walking down the isle….I explained to that I was going to stay with my plans, because she as my biomother gave birth to me, and that My Spiritual Mom, was a gift from God…and that I was keeping with my plans…She told me that i was wrong, and that I needed to truely learn what is the meaning of a spiritual mother….I had to remind her that I was 35 yrs. old and understood the works and acts of the love of a spiritual mother. Her second problem was the fact that I wanted a wedding at the castle that was where I had my first offical date with my now husband, and a custome wedding was not taking this matter serious…..I had to remind her that I am the first in my entire family to not to become a single mother and was the first to have a wedding…..And that, My wedding had more of a spiritual meaning to me then she will ever understand. And, if I wanted to have a naked man guggling carrots at my wedding. I could.!!!! At that point she let me know she was not attending my wedding, I had a sense of boldness in me that, I told her that was okay, because God was going to have those who he wishes to attend my wedding. And that she was the only one missing out, not me……and that this was not a surprise to me…because she always makes every event and situation about her….and that I loved her but had to hang up with her…she didn’t want me to hang up, but to argue with her…but i wasn’t going there…….I got married and 7 years later, visiting the castle everyyear. I had my fairytale wedding….I got my little girls dream,,,,the dreams that I dreamed everytime she hit me, the dreams I had when I sat lonely and cring many years waiting for the love of my own mother and father…..Today, I am suffering from having a childless womb. I have tried to have a child and can’t….for many reasons….I want to love a child like I was never loved. I am a fostermother, helped raise my bio-sisters children and when she like my mother decides I am not doing things her way disappears for 2 to 3 years…it hurts, and the pain is so deep. so for the last 7yrs. my dear husband has experienced the heart ache and pain of a family that uses, abuses and abandons me at there will and choice. My mother has since, moved to mexico, and never gave me a forwarding address. My sister -well she’s just there…and my little brother who is in jail, only emails me when he wants money…when he realized that i was not going to send money; he removed me from his email listing..and my older brother cut me off….I just tell myself —it is what it is…….but inside it hurts….I have sat tring to figure out if; I will ever have a family that i can love unconditionally…..with no strings attached….But for now I am adopted into the family of Christ Jesus……

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