Diary of an Abandoned Abandoner.

When adoptees surrender.

My friend Ana needs to die. September 13, 2011

Filed under: Body Image,Uncategorized — abandonedabandoner @ 10:56 am

My friend Ana is perfect on the outside. She’s thin, pretty, witty, smart and popular. On the inside Ana is fat, ugly, boring, stupid and hated by everyone. She has been my best friend, and worst enemy, for over 20 years. She has been at my side for every adventure, failure, laugh and cry. Ana used to be my driving force, until I realized that Ana has been slowly ruining my life.

A few years ago I decided that it was time for us to part ways but she held on for dear life. I slowly started backing away and stopped taking her advice. I finally saw her for the evil being she is and started looking back at all the ways she has caused me pain. Ana caused me to lose my son, my self esteem, my hopes and dreams, my bone density and the normal functioning capacity of my cardiac system. She has given me many things as well, such as a downy fuzz that covers my body, bad skin, teeth and nails, severely fucked up self image and self hatred. She has controlled my every move and thought. It took a lot of time and self monitoring but I eventually kicked Ana to the curb. Or so I thought.

At some point this summer I let Ana come back, almost basking in her presence. She gave me purpose and drive, at least in the beginning. It was like coming home, falling back into a well known routine that allowed me to feel in control again. But, like always, she soon started eating at my brain, literally, and invading my thoughts, quickly turning my very mind against me. Ana has to go, again, and this time she has to stay gone. There is a difference this time though, this time I know what it’s like when she isn’t around, this time I know that there is a better me laying under the veil of Ana’s influence. As hard as it is to accept our childhood friends often become people we simply grow apart from, this is the case with Ana. She represents a broken, hurt and scared me, the me who didn’t know how to cope with a series of shitty events thrown at me in my youth. She was meager comfort when that was all I had. Now I’m older, hopefully wiser, and I don’t need those old comforts the way I did then. Yup, Ana has to go, again.

Maybe this time will be the last. Who knows? Maybe Ana will find somewhere where she isn’t able to destroy anyone. Maybe, just maybe, Ana will die and leave me in peace. If not, well, then I guess I will have to be stronger and tell her off when she knocks at the door. I’ll cross that bridge when I get to it. For today I just know that Ana needs to leave, so I’m throwing her out the door and making myself some lunch.



5 Responses to “My friend Ana needs to die.”

  1. Lori Says:

    It isn’t just the “Ana’s” of the world that do that…. but I definitely know what you are saying…. Even family can do that. I know that for sure! Enjoy lunch and worry not about her… just about what you want for you!

  2. ElaineP Says:

    Isn’t it so clear when you step back and really look at it? ToxicAna’s are everywhere. They seem to slowly eat away at us and do it so easily that we hardly are even aware until the last stages. I’m glad that you’re excising ToxicAna. That way, there’s new, fresh room for a healthy friendship with someone who is supportive and uplifting.

  3. Just being in my room made me realize that it was strange to think of a time when he didn t color my world.

  4. crystal Says:

    im proud you said all of that…i have a friend ana too and we are imseparable!

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