Diary of an Abandoned Abandoner.

When adoptees surrender.

I’m takin’ it back, Randall style! February 18, 2014

Filed under: adoption — abandonedabandoner @ 8:10 pm

I’ve taken a very long break. Obviously. In fact I haven’t even been able to bring myself to log in for 3.5 years so it was a nice shock to find some pleasant comments waiting for me. The hiatus was necessary, I went back to school, embarked on a new career, got my proverbial shit together to a degree and spent some much needed time on healing some old wounds. Don’t worry I’m still as angry, bitter and ungrateful as ever, I’m just a bit less 16 year old angsty girl about it 😉 So without further ado I introduce you to myself, THE Abandoned Abandoner!

When I first started this blog I wanted nothing more than anonymity. My son was fast approaching 18 and I had no clue what, if anything, he knew about me. The last thing I wanted him to find first was this. Now I’m less concerned. My issues with adoption have nothing to do with him, or his family. In fact I like his family, at least I like the little I know about them. So if he stumbles upon this I only hope he will read it all, and not judge too harshly. And I want to include personal details, I want to humanize myself instead of just being the angry chick behind the screen, I am so much more than that. I want to share my joys and sorrows, my battles won and lost and not just the adoption ones. My life is rich and full and in order to understand my stance on adoption I think it would help to understand that adoption is not the only part of my life, in fact it isn’t even the biggest part. Yes, it colours everything in my little world but it’s not always what instantly comes to mind day to day. I mean I’m not looking at my morning coffee thinking “well if I hadn’t lost my son I’d feel a whole lot better about this $5 organic cream I’m dumping into my cup” or “I’d love to use the organic raw sugar but I’m a bastard so I really don’t deserve it”. That doesn’t make me any less of those things you love to hate, it just means that I’ve finally learned how to be a person first and an Abandoned Abandoner second. 

I still don’t fit in. In fact I think I fit in less than I did 3 years ago. As I’m sure I’ve stated before, fitting in with the online adoption community when you’re a dual dipper often means silencing one side. I can’t express my adoptee side too much with many of the moms because some just don’t want to hear how painful adoption can be for an adoptee. And I can’t always expose my mom side with the adoptees because to many of them I am the scourge of the adoption world, someone who knew the pain but still imposed it on her own child. So I sit back and lurk, choosing select few on both sides to confide in. When I do post I instantly brace for the backlash and am quick to back down when confronted. Now that I’ve said that please allow me to direct you to my Rules Page, I’ll be keeping comments moderated only because I have a stalker of sorts, from my real life, and nobody needs to see her particular brand of crazy should she reappear. Anything else I will post freely, and if you aren’t nice, or can’t follow the rules, I’ll just let the adoption wolf pack devour your soul. 

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2 Responses to “I’m takin’ it back, Randall style!”

  1. Sandy Young Says:

    Welcome back, Dear Girl. It’s been a while, indeed. Glad to see you back up and running. I always find your stuff fascinating. I understand that it must be difficult, but your unique perspectives have been very helpful to me in the past and, while it can be a tough thing to see how much pain my son must have felt, I have learned much from you. Thank you, Look forward to more posts in the future.

  2. Veronika Says:

    Looking forward to hearing more from you, “abandoned abandoner”. I too am an adoptee who relinquished a son. What kind of a woman would do that?, I ask myself. Especially since I suffered abuse from my aparents and know that adoption isn’t always the perfect solution. You sound like you’ve got a good grip on your situation. I can only hope that I can be that grounded some day.


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