Diary of an Abandoned Abandoner.

When adoptees surrender.

I’m takin’ it back, Randall style! February 18, 2014

Filed under: adoption — abandonedabandoner @ 8:10 pm

I’ve taken a very long break. Obviously. In fact I haven’t even been able to bring myself to log in for 3.5 years so it was a nice shock to find some pleasant comments waiting for me. The hiatus was necessary, I went back to school, embarked on a new career, got my proverbial shit together to a degree and spent some much needed time on healing some old wounds. Don’t worry I’m still as angry, bitter and ungrateful as ever, I’m just a bit less 16 year old angsty girl about it 😉 So without further ado I introduce you to myself, THE Abandoned Abandoner!

When I first started this blog I wanted nothing more than anonymity. My son was fast approaching 18 and I had no clue what, if anything, he knew about me. The last thing I wanted him to find first was this. Now I’m less concerned. My issues with adoption have nothing to do with him, or his family. In fact I like his family, at least I like the little I know about them. So if he stumbles upon this I only hope he will read it all, and not judge too harshly. And I want to include personal details, I want to humanize myself instead of just being the angry chick behind the screen, I am so much more than that. I want to share my joys and sorrows, my battles won and lost and not just the adoption ones. My life is rich and full and in order to understand my stance on adoption I think it would help to understand that adoption is not the only part of my life, in fact it isn’t even the biggest part. Yes, it colours everything in my little world but it’s not always what instantly comes to mind day to day. I mean I’m not looking at my morning coffee thinking “well if I hadn’t lost my son I’d feel a whole lot better about this $5 organic cream I’m dumping into my cup” or “I’d love to use the organic raw sugar but I’m a bastard so I really don’t deserve it”. That doesn’t make me any less of those things you love to hate, it just means that I’ve finally learned how to be a person first and an Abandoned Abandoner second. 

I still don’t fit in. In fact I think I fit in less than I did 3 years ago. As I’m sure I’ve stated before, fitting in with the online adoption community when you’re a dual dipper often means silencing one side. I can’t express my adoptee side too much with many of the moms because some just don’t want to hear how painful adoption can be for an adoptee. And I can’t always expose my mom side with the adoptees because to many of them I am the scourge of the adoption world, someone who knew the pain but still imposed it on her own child. So I sit back and lurk, choosing select few on both sides to confide in. When I do post I instantly brace for the backlash and am quick to back down when confronted. Now that I’ve said that please allow me to direct you to my Rules Page, I’ll be keeping comments moderated only because I have a stalker of sorts, from my real life, and nobody needs to see her particular brand of crazy should she reappear. Anything else I will post freely, and if you aren’t nice, or can’t follow the rules, I’ll just let the adoption wolf pack devour your soul. 

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Twisted Bastards. September 23, 2011

Filed under: adoption,Uncategorized — abandonedabandoner @ 7:12 pm

Anything can become adoption related if you are a twisted bastard.

Picture of Homo Milk on FB… Bastardized.

Kool-Aid lipgloss found on pinterest… Bastardized.

Skittles candy… SO bastardized.

Unicorns and rainbows… The ultimate bastardization.

I think this shows that while we are most certainly all bitter, angry and ungrateful we also all share a wicked good sense of humor about our situations. Laughter makes the world go round and lightens our hearts when we are at our lowest. It also seals the deal on who I can trust and who I need to avoid talking to. If you can’t find the humor in a carton of soy beverage being adopted by white and chocolate homo milk we probably won’t have enough in common to be real friends.

PS. Please don’t call Soy Milk a Beverage to his face. He’s adopted so he’s all Milk now and we wouldn’t want him to feel any different than little Two Percent and Skim do.

 

Eeny, meeny, miny, moe… Catch a Mommy by the toe. December 10, 2010

Filed under: adoption — abandonedabandoner @ 10:52 am

Start… Stop… Start… Stop… Type… Erase… Walk away.

Whenever I sit down to write about anything adoption related this is what happens. I’m so drained by life and in such turmoil about everything. I can’t focus long enough to get out a decent adoption related post. So much for this blog being about my experiences with adoption lol. If you look back you will find numerous posts devoted to a nameless man, I’ve come to see that he is my distraction, my coping method if you will. You see he is pretty broken and I’m all about the fixer uppers, helps me to avoid my own need for fixer upping. So today I will be a hard ass toward myself, no.more.comic.god. ENOUGH ALREADY! Stop postponing your life Andraya, start living it! Stop letting his rejection define how you see yourself, he doesn’t get the final say here. Ahem, rant over, on to the adoption nasties.

Rejection is a funny thing for me. If I have answers and know WHY I was rejected I can take it, deal with it and move on. If I’m left without any answers I get kinda nutty. I suppose it comes from having been “rejected” since birth and never having any solid answers growing up. “Because she loved you and wanted you to have a Mommy and a Daddy” is not an answer, it’s a cop out. It’s what APs tell us when they don’t know the truth. It’s a line to pacify us, to stop our questions from being asked. Nothing stops the questions inside us though, no one liner can stop that. Even now that I know the answers I still ask the same question, why me? Why was I so easy to let go of when only 18 months later you fought to keep my sister? Logically I know the reason but the baby inside of me can’t grasp it. What made her good enough to keep? Was it because she wasn’t George’s child? Was she a nicer baby to be pregnant with? Was I a horrid fetus who made true bonding impossible? I always have been hard to know and love. I try not to “why me?” because it is futile and draining and makes me feel ungrateful but some days I want to feel ungrateful. I miss my mommies. I long for a motherly relationship. One that is real and solid instead of the fleeting bits that I’ve had through my life. Since I was “chosen” I also want to choose, I want to reach out into the universe and pick myself a mom. If only it worked that way.

 

Being infertile, life is what you make it, not what you take for it. March 3, 2010

Filed under: adoption — abandonedabandoner @ 9:39 pm

I haven’t talked much about my personal life here, in fact I haven’t even outed my own double sided adoption story, but I want to share a bit about my own fertility troubles and how they have affected me.

When I was in my early twenties I was diagnosed with pre-cancerous lesions on my cervix, they rapidly mutated and I soon found myself with the dreaded “C”. Numerous procedures and treatments left my cervix “incompetent” and my ovaries damaged. I was told I would never again be able to carry a fetus to term. I was crushed but life goes on and I even sighed a small sigh of relief as I was very much done giving birth in my own heart. My body, however, had other plans and at 28 I found myself with a newborn daughter, she was far from planned but was very much loved and wanted once she was here. I thought of this as some kind of “miracle” and was rather astonished to discover that my body had indeed healed itself enough to be just as fertile as it had been before the cancer. So I became a woman who had, at one time, been infertile but was now as normal as any other woman. As with most other things in my life I took it in stride and thought little of the development other than loving the baby I had helped create.

In the spring of 2009 I found myself pregnant again but this time any choice I may have had was taken out of my hands and decided for me. The pregnancy was ectopic and had attached itself to my right ovary while growing into my right fallopian tube. It ruptured just past the 6 week mark and cause massive internal bleeding. I ended up having surgery to remove it and opted to have my left tube dealt with at the same time. After almost losing my life I KNEW I was done with the whole brood mare idea.

I know infertility and fertility. I have almost died as a result of my fertility and have had near death be the cause of my infertility and yet I still struggle to understand the extremes that infertile women often go to in their desperate search for parenthood. Granted I am unable to understand what it is like to be infertile and have no children at all but I do know the process of grieving what often defines us as women; our ability to create and bring forth life. I often wonder if it isn’t that inability that causes the desperation and near panic we see in the adoption world. Is it the desire to be a mother or the desire to be what the world thinks we should that makes women so insane over mothering? I think it is a combination of the two coupled with our western sense of entitlement and it is a dangerous combination indeed. At no other point in time have so many women been stripped of their children in so many barbaric and cruel ways as in the last century. Coerced and forced adoptions, children removed from homes for completely bogus reasons by our governments, infant kidnappings and possibly the most heinous of all; pregnant women being murdered so their children can be stolen from their own wombs. Why is it that these things have only be seen to increase recently and not only increase in numbers but increase in brutality as well? Gone are the days of helping out those less fortunate, now we rape them of their offspring so that others with better finances may purchase them as little more than chattel. Gone are the days of women gazing longingly at a baby bump, now those same women cut the fetus out with crude tools to pass off as their own. Gone are the days of our governments helping our fellow citizens, now we watch as their child “welfare” agencies trump up charges to make “permanency plans” easier.

When does it all end? In my mind and heart it ends when we stop seeing a woman’s value from between her legs and start offering better reproductive health therapy instead of better test tube babies and more accessible genetic donor clinics. We shouldn’t be pushing people to raise the children of others, we should be pushing people to find peace in their own hearts and minds before they make ANY choice at all… but that would be bad for business now wouldn’t it?

 

I’m Legit, or at least I will be once I find my son. February 19, 2010

Filed under: adoption — abandonedabandoner @ 9:47 am

I was told about a little known Alberta Advantage recently and I don’t mean the massive amount of oil lingering in our soil. A handful of Albertan adoptees have enacted Private Member Bills to have their adoptions terminated. This overjoys me! I want nothing more than to have my original identity reinstated.I have run into one roadblock and it’s a big one, my son. If I try to have my adoption terminated before reunion I run the risk of making it very hard for him to search for me. I don’t think I can do that so I’ve decided to wait until he is 18 at least but I still want to share why I want this and how it came to cross my mind at all.

In December Addie, who writes the  blog According To Addie, wrote a post titled Birth Certificate, Death Certificate, Whatever that got me thinking. When I die I will die as a different person than who I was born as. That bothers me, a LOT. Should any of my descendents want to research their family history they will go woefully off track once they hit me. Not only am I adopted but my adoptive Grandfather was adopted as well. I hate that, the fact that my identity is essentially a fictional one with no genetic fact in it at all. I want my identity to reflect fact not the fairy tale fantasy that it currently is. It has nothing to do with wanting to negate the family who raised me I just want my legal documents to reflect the truth. For once in my life I want to legally be the person I was born as, complete with documentation stating that fact. The kicker is that as an adoptee having things as I want them will, undoubtedly, cause pain to some of the people in my life. Ahh adoption, making things difficult for me since 1977.

I have been thinking about this since I read Addie’s post but it was a pipe dream, something I wanted without thinking it was obtainable in the least, until Cedar told me about the few Albertan Adoptees who have successfully enacted Private Members Bills to terminate their own adoptions. Whoa! What? WOW! I’m still in the process of researching the finer points of Private Member Bills and working on the wording etc. but I think this has a good chance of working. Even if it means waiting until Jay-Boo is 18 or 19 I think it will be worth it, after all this isn’t something that will affect me immediately anyhow. I am who I am regardless of what my birth certificate says, I know who I am. I am my mother and father’s daughter, born to them but raised by another mother and father. I have four real parents, seven if you count the steps. Without any of them I would not be who I am today and I kinda like who I am but I would like it better if my legal identity was one founded on truths instead of fictions. The “as if born to” part of adoption is a myth. I do not, and never have, lived as if born to my adoptive parents, I have always lived as the person who was born to one set of parents and raised by another. That is my truth and hopefully one day that truth will be reflected on the legal documents bearing my name, a name I will choose since Baby Girl would look awful silly on an adult’s ID or passport 😉

To end this post I’d like to share the video for the song I’m Legit by Zara Phillips and DMC. Opening adoption records is what has truly paved the way for me to find out who I am. I may have known my natural parents long before I got my original birth certificate but holding that paper in my own hands gave me the awareness to move forward with who I am. It was truly liberating to know my history! OK… I want to share this with you for another reason too lol, pay attention at 4:19 😛

 

The Natural Mother Hate On. February 16, 2010

Filed under: adoption — abandonedabandoner @ 12:28 pm

Let me start by saying that my only concern is for my son, always will be, but somewhere in there I need to make sure I am emotionally sound too.

Lately I am seeing a lot of hatred directed at natural mothers who choose to voice their opinions, stories, pain and suffering. I see them being told to “suck it up” by adoptees, told to think about the adoptee, put their own crap aside and focus on what is really important, the adoptee. Hogwash! Maybe it is my status as a “dual dipper” but I think both sides need to work on their own BS first, for themselves and by themselves. It reminds me of something my aunt once said to me “When it seems like the whole world is out to get you take a step back. You aren’t so important that the whole world is out to get you, you are out to get yourself” At the time that pissed me right off but now I see the truth behind it. NOBODY else is responsible for me, my pain is MY pain and it is MY job to secure my own emotional health.

Being adopted or having surrendered a child isn’t a card to be played to force others to do what you want them to do. It is something we all have to work through on our own for ourselves. Nobody else is going to do it for you. Nobody else is going to waltz into your life and make all your hurts disappear. Eventually you have to own your own mind and all the nasty crap locked inside of it. It sucks for sure but you know what? It’s called life.

So for crying out loud stop the pity-party-pissing-contest over who is more hurt or who deserves more sympathy. It isn’t getting anyone anywhere. Adoptees who get angry over a woman expressing her own personal pain and anguish isn’t a direct attack at the adoptee, it is her right to express her emotions the same as anyone else. So when a mom is talking about how her child has hurt her or how losing her child has messed her up let her speak her damn piece.

It isn’t all about you, any of you. If you can’t handle reading the truths from the other side step back and stop reading already!

 

Foster Care – Friend or foe for natural families? February 11, 2010

Filed under: adoption — abandonedabandoner @ 10:06 am

Now I realize that in many cases foster care is the only way to keep children safe but I also hear many stories from parents who, like me, felt pressured to place their children in care for reasons other than safety. Financial stress and medical costs tend to pop up often and I find myself wondering why the government isn’t doing more to keep families together in situations like that.

Alberta has a financial support program for people adopting certain children through foster care. I know that this is often a necessity since many children in care need additional resources to thrive but what about those children who aren’t in care for abuse or neglect? What about the children who are in care due to poverty or lack of resources for the natural family? I can’t say for sure that my son’s adoptive parents receive any financial supports for him but when I was pressured into signing the surrender I was told over and over how he was “too old” to be adopted by anyone other than his foster family and that if I refused to surrender he would be moved to another foster home and would be considered “unadoptable” due to his “advanced age”, he was 26 months at the time. According to the Alberta Child Services website  The Supports for Permanency program has been put in place to ensure that families who wish to offer permanent, loving homes to children in care have the means to advocate for them and meet their unique needs.  The program provides financial support to families who adopt or obtain private guardianship of children in permanent government care.

Available financial supports include:

  • 100 per cent of basic foster care maintenance rates;
  • additional needs funding of up to $70 per week to assist with the child’s emotional and behavioural needs;
  • respite care of up to 576 hours per year;
  • up to 10 counselling sessions per year;
  • treatment of a child in a residential facility for up to 12 months; and
  • reimbursement for the cost of transporting a First Nations child to the child’s band for the purpose of maintaining cultural ties.

Eligibility

  • Adoptive parents and private guardians who currently have a Supports for Permanency agreement.
  • All families who adopted or obtained private guardianship of a child in permanent government care after November 1, 2004.
  • Parents who adopted a child between April 1, 1990 and November 1, 2004 and who have an “Acknowledgment of Special Needs” or a letter confirming the child they adopted has special needs.

These same supports do not apply to natural families when reunification is successful. How can that be? So if a stranger or foster family adopts the child they are entitled to financial support to offset the costs of raising a child with “special needs” but should the child be able to return to their natural family everyone is out of luck. Ahh bureaucraZy.

When I think that Jay’s parents may have been receiving financial aid to raise him my blood boils. Where was the financial assistance for US as a family unit? Where was the assistance to help him come home? The only financial assistance available to me was Welfare, for a limited time span of course. Adoptive parents can access all the same Government programs that I can if they qualify but they get this added bonus as well. Why is there no added bonus for keeping natural families intact? Surely it couldn’t have anything to do with adoption quotas or bonuses for social wreckers? Or could it?

Ponder that for a while. I lost my son due to poverty, poverty that could have been eradicated had I been given minimal community and financial supports for a limited time but they would rather pony up for 16 years than the 5 or less it would have taken me to finish some kind of training program and find gainful employment. Good job Alberta, I hope you also plan to pay for any therapy my son might need once he finds out how you ripped him out of his loving mother’s arms.