Diary of an Abandoned Abandoner.

When adoptees surrender.

ISO a bathtub full of kittens to roll around in and secure my Cat Lady status. February 26, 2014

Filed under: Uncategorized — abandonedabandoner @ 7:06 pm

Tonight I think I’ll move into adoptee mode and talk about something I dread, dating. Effing hate it. Hate everything that comes with it. Hate wasting time talking to losers in the hope that one might not be a complete neanderthal Hate wasting money spending time with people I wouldn’t sit next to on the train. Hate getting all pretty then enduring hours of narcissistic and one sided conversation. Hate thinking he’s perfect then finding out he’s a dud. Hate thinking he’s perfect then finding out he thinks I’m a dud. Hate it all. But ya know what I hate more? Being lonely.

I’ve spent 91.6667% of the past nine years single. Yes, I actually did the math. The other 8.3333% of the time divided between three duds. One who refused to let me speak to his coworkers at a Christmas Party, endgame buddy, I’m not that offensive or boring, but you wouldn’t know that because you didn’t let me talk when just you were around either. One who drank so much he “had” to go drink with his dad right after his bastard spawn exploded my ovary and fallopian tube. And one who wasn’t so much a complete dud, but was certainly a dud for me. That’s nine months of meh and 99 months of less meh. My cycle seems to be a few years alone then a few months with a dud, rinse and repeat. I’ve gone through post partum depression, a PTSD diagnosis, an ectopic pregnancy, anorexia and subsequent semi-recovery, school, a new career, a birth, my son turning 18, my grandmother’s death and severing two long term (but highly unhealthy) friendships alone, except for the ectopic, he was there but was busy getting shitfaced with his dad because the stress was too much for him… cuz ya know, he was the one who almost died and all. What I learned is that I am damn strong. Much stronger than I ever gave myself credit for. In between all of that garbage I also found time to get some emotional stability and partial healing from some HUGE life events, namely the loss of my parents at birth and the loss of my son at 3. I will never be 100%, I know that, but every day I make strides in the right direction and now I feel up to the challenge of inviting another adult into my chaos with the hopeful outcome of our seperate chaotic situations matching up to become one slightly less chaotic situation with more love, support, and caring that either had previously. Enter the hated dating. ugh.

I should probably point out that I’m extremely shallow and only date men well above what I probably should. I’ve heard the line “OMG he’s SO hot! How did you score him?” enough times to understand that I should probably be setting my sights a smidge lower, maybe more Mr. Bean than Mr. Pitt, but I’m shallow so I will always hold out for the Brad’s of the world. Luckily enough my thirties have brought a self confidence that I didn’t expect so what I’m lacking in looks I can make up for with personality and a sense of hot man entitlement that seems to interest enough of the hotties to at least half fill my dance card. So now I have a shallow little pool of shallowness to choose from but without fail I repeat those habits of old. The guy I like has friend zoned me more than once. The guy I want to get to know won’t commit to meeting. The guy I think is marriage material just wants to come over and watch movies while we drink beer and the guy I thought might work turned me into a psycho ball of sobbing insecurities. Yeah, this is going well.

Now you are likely wondering what on earth any of this is doing on an adoption blog, well let me tell you what it has to do with it. FREAKING EVERYTHING! I’ve experienced nothing but loss since the very day of my birth. I’ve lost so damn much I just expect it now. I mean c’mon, when your own mother gives you away your self worth is bound to suffer at some point and, well, I just haven’t been able to get to the point where I don’t see myself as throw away material. I still linger in this cloudy world where I will always be the girl you don’t take home to mom, cuz her own mom couldn’t even stand her. Misguided? Yes. Insane? Yup. But it’s there and it would seem that no amount of self help books is likely to ever get me past that little bastard voice inside that shouts at me… “You aren’t good enough!” So if it’s going well I will sabotage it like an Inspector Gadget exploding mission message and if it’s going badly I will cling to it like my life depends on this particular douchenozzle being with me until we are old and shriveled on the porch swing. No matter how my brain says I should act, I will act the exact opposite. I will self destruct the entire thing in less time than most people spend on deciding what bad tv show to watch while they fall asleep.

Now you are probably thinking this is a one off, unless you are a bastard and then you are probably either reliving your youth or sobbing about your own perpetually single status. I’ve talked to enough other adoptees to know that this is not a cycle reserved only for my own hell, it’s pretty freaking common, more so than anyone would like to think or admit. It’s also pretty common with other nmoms, I mean how do you give away your own kid then think you deserve any kind of happiness? And nobody gets it, unless they are also living in adoptoland, and then you need to just RUN!

In reality the only person who stands a chance of understanding why I act and react how I do is another adoptee, so why not seek one out for that reason alone? The answer is that we are all just a wee bit batshit and when you put two wee bits of batshit together you are likely to end up with an entire batcave of batshit ripe to the point of bursting into little nuclear batshit missiles hell bent on destroying your fictitious sense of “aww this is nice”. Which SUCKS because I seem to attract other bastards like flies to that same batshit. And I freaking like some of those bastards. In fact it’s safe to say that some of those bastards occupy more of my thoughts than even Star Trek, and that makes me sad cuz, just no. I’d rather have a bastard friend for life than ruin it with my bastardly bastard thoughts.

So for future self reference I am going to list what I NEED in a partner and every time someone new pops up I will contain my quivering boy crazy self until I can safely check off every single item on this list…

1) NOT ADOPTED
2) Must accept that Star Trek will always be my main love and that NOBODY will ever top Picard, ever.
3) Hot.
4) Not clingy but willing to accept crazy amounts of cycling between me being completely distant and more clingy than a cat to your feet when you break out the can opener.
5) Able to say things like “I get that right now you are freaking out and trying to leave because you have more abandonment issues than anyone else on the planet but I’m not going anywhere and I’ll text you tomorrow after I send a cute e-card and virtual flowers to apologize for doing absolutely nothing wrong”
6) Willing to spend disturbing amounts of time talking me out of my self hatred.
7) Not willing to let me wallow in self hatred and knowing the difference between me needing some ego boosting and needing someone to yell in my face about how stupid I am.
8) Someone who will be honest and not lead me on, I handle rejection just fine, I’m used to it. But I need honesty like I need air.
9) Most of all an ability to understand that when I say “Sorry I’m being so adopted” they won’t take offense and are willing to learn about how my adoption experiences have shaped my entire world.
10) Oh and the desire to stick it out. I know that if I can get past the initial wonky crazy bit where I want to run like a scared rabbit I am one hell of a kick ass woman to be with, but they just gotta get past those first rough bits where I test and test and push and push to see how easily he will leave…. Just because, I’m adopted.

 

Happy Day! September 27, 2011

Filed under: Uncategorized — abandonedabandoner @ 1:43 pm

Today has nothing to do with either “A”. Today is silly, fun, accepting, thankful and positive. I’m going to make a list of things that are rather pointless, because that’s what I want to do darnit.

1) Dollarama has flower bulbs! In the spring of ’12 I will have beauty without any work all for 10 bucks. WOO!

2) Dollarama has Nestle Quick Strawberry Milk juice boxes, packs of three for a buck! As a penny pinching single mom student this almost had me jumping up and down in the cramped aisle.

3) I made a really pretty collage of creepy children’s paintings for the top of the stairs. So glad I bought that $30 printer, even more glad that Walmart sells dirt cheap ink refill kits.

4) I felt pretty today… When I looked at some pictures of myself. I looked healthy and happy in them. I will be that person again and it won’t take as long as I think.

5) It’s sunny and there are puffy clouds in the sky. I want to gather dandelions going to seed and blow on them while laying on my back in a field so I can watch them dance. Just not near my perfect effing lawn.

6) My perfect effing lawn is pretty much the last around that is super green. I have lawn pride.

7) I have a huge zit on my cheek but at least it’s not a gaping herpes blister on my chin. FB pals will get that 😉

8) I scored a kit to make glow in the dark sidewalk chalk at Superstore for $1.94. With the sun setting earlier but the weather still nice I think P and I will have some bonding time tonight before bed.

9) Got my meds. Looking forward to after the loading time. Also looking forward to sleeping a full night. Sleep makes me happy.

10) My balance with the natural forces are WAY off, my poor potted tree is trying to die. I need to cleanse and I think tonight will be good for that.

11) I’m feeling spiritual as you can tell from #10. I love when the universe leads me back to things I need but have forgotten how much I need them.

12) I feel LOVE today. Love for everything and everyone, including myself.

Today feels good.

 

Protected: I’m gonna be sedated. September 26, 2011

Filed under: Uncategorized — abandonedabandoner @ 3:23 pm

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Protected: Not going down without a fight.

Filed under: Uncategorized — abandonedabandoner @ 7:03 am

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Protected: The morning after, might stay up, might not, post. September 25, 2011

Filed under: Uncategorized — abandonedabandoner @ 9:11 am

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Protected: The 8 hours before I delete it post.

Filed under: Uncategorized — abandonedabandoner @ 12:46 am

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Substance or appearance. What really matters? September 24, 2011

Filed under: Uncategorized — abandonedabandoner @ 11:28 am

I’m a big fan of conducting social experiments. Earlier in the summer I went to a local mall and walked into three “high end” stores wearing a pair of jeans, t-shirt, flip flops and carrying a knock off name brand bag. I was not offered any assistance despite picking up numerous items and being in each store for a full ten minutes each. A week later I went into the same stores again, this time wearing clothing with obvious designer labels showing. I was asked if I needed help within seconds of entering each store and was practically doted on the entire time. Interesting.

My next “experiment” was at a coffee shop near my school. The first time I walked in after a rough night with the girl, hair a mess, no makeup, rumpled clothes. I was treated rather rudely, no small talk, almost rushed out the door and my cappuccino was not terribly pretty. A week later I went in again this time with makeup on, hair done, wearing more business like attire. The same person helped me as before but this time I was chatted up and walked out with a cappuccino that was very pretty, complete with delicate leaves carved into the foam. Interesting.

Two weeks ago I decided to broaden my experiment and chose an online dating site to do so. The store clerks could have been having bad days and that would explain why I was treated badly but online there are more people viewing me and we all know people put on their best front when utilizing online dating sites. I took the pictures off the profile and made sure that my description, while honest, was very minimal. No responses for 14 days. Today I went back and put up an unflattering picture. In the five minutes since I have received four new messages and three chat requests. The content has not been changed. I have stated nothing about myself beyond basic physical characteristics and the main content is somewhat surly, bordering on rude with a bit of sarcasm. Interesting.

In a week I will put up more flattering photos. Anyone want to take a guess as to how many replies I get then? The next week I will take down all the photos and update the content to show who I really am and the week after that I will put the photos back on. I am very interested to see what kind of responses I get based on photos and content. I suspect that when the pictures are there I will get replies but without them I won’t. What this tells me is that my looks are more important to most people than what I have to say or who I really am. This makes me sad for humanity but I guess I already suspected that humanity was sad in general.

 

Twisted Bastards. September 23, 2011

Filed under: adoption,Uncategorized — abandonedabandoner @ 7:12 pm

Anything can become adoption related if you are a twisted bastard.

Picture of Homo Milk on FB… Bastardized.

Kool-Aid lipgloss found on pinterest… Bastardized.

Skittles candy… SO bastardized.

Unicorns and rainbows… The ultimate bastardization.

I think this shows that while we are most certainly all bitter, angry and ungrateful we also all share a wicked good sense of humor about our situations. Laughter makes the world go round and lightens our hearts when we are at our lowest. It also seals the deal on who I can trust and who I need to avoid talking to. If you can’t find the humor in a carton of soy beverage being adopted by white and chocolate homo milk we probably won’t have enough in common to be real friends.

PS. Please don’t call Soy Milk a Beverage to his face. He’s adopted so he’s all Milk now and we wouldn’t want him to feel any different than little Two Percent and Skim do.

 

My friend Ana needs to die. September 13, 2011

Filed under: Body Image,Uncategorized — abandonedabandoner @ 10:56 am

My friend Ana is perfect on the outside. She’s thin, pretty, witty, smart and popular. On the inside Ana is fat, ugly, boring, stupid and hated by everyone. She has been my best friend, and worst enemy, for over 20 years. She has been at my side for every adventure, failure, laugh and cry. Ana used to be my driving force, until I realized that Ana has been slowly ruining my life.

A few years ago I decided that it was time for us to part ways but she held on for dear life. I slowly started backing away and stopped taking her advice. I finally saw her for the evil being she is and started looking back at all the ways she has caused me pain. Ana caused me to lose my son, my self esteem, my hopes and dreams, my bone density and the normal functioning capacity of my cardiac system. She has given me many things as well, such as a downy fuzz that covers my body, bad skin, teeth and nails, severely fucked up self image and self hatred. She has controlled my every move and thought. It took a lot of time and self monitoring but I eventually kicked Ana to the curb. Or so I thought.

At some point this summer I let Ana come back, almost basking in her presence. She gave me purpose and drive, at least in the beginning. It was like coming home, falling back into a well known routine that allowed me to feel in control again. But, like always, she soon started eating at my brain, literally, and invading my thoughts, quickly turning my very mind against me. Ana has to go, again, and this time she has to stay gone. There is a difference this time though, this time I know what it’s like when she isn’t around, this time I know that there is a better me laying under the veil of Ana’s influence. As hard as it is to accept our childhood friends often become people we simply grow apart from, this is the case with Ana. She represents a broken, hurt and scared me, the me who didn’t know how to cope with a series of shitty events thrown at me in my youth. She was meager comfort when that was all I had. Now I’m older, hopefully wiser, and I don’t need those old comforts the way I did then. Yup, Ana has to go, again.

Maybe this time will be the last. Who knows? Maybe Ana will find somewhere where she isn’t able to destroy anyone. Maybe, just maybe, Ana will die and leave me in peace. If not, well, then I guess I will have to be stronger and tell her off when she knocks at the door. I’ll cross that bridge when I get to it. For today I just know that Ana needs to leave, so I’m throwing her out the door and making myself some lunch.

http://www.something-fishy.org/words/knowme.php

 

I am truly a motherless daughter. September 12, 2011

Filed under: Uncategorized — abandonedabandoner @ 1:43 pm

Family bonds have never meant a whole lot to me. I guess you could say that losing my adoptive mother at 14 and then having her entire family walk out of my life showed me that families are about as solid as a house of cards. I learned early that my acceptance was conditional; as long as I didn’t show my “bad blood” I was welcome but as soon as my pain and grief started showing through I was no longer welcome within the family fold. I had always thought this was because I was adopted, not born, into the family. Well colour me stupid, I was wrong. Even people with whom I share blood can, and do, walk away from me as easily as the adopted family did.

The biggest struggle in my life is feeling disposable. I wait for people to leave me, not for people to love me. It’s ok, save the awwws and poor dears, I long ago learned to accept it even if it stings. Every relationship in my life is viewed as temporary because all of them have been temporary and if I go around thinking “this person might be the one who stays” the pain of rejection becomes too much to bear. Stupidly, I allowed myself to believe that one relationship was permanent, simply because it’s the one relationship that is universally accepted as almost always being that way… My relationship with my natural mother. Obviously it wasn’t considered permanent on her end or I wouldn’t be pouring my heart out to a machine, now would I?

I’m not sure when the real troubles started but I feel like she started withdrawing around the time that I started being more involved with adoptee rights. When I was getting ready to leave for New Orleans in 2008 she would quickly end our conversations if the protest was brought up. Same thing for Philadelphia in 2009. There were no comments on any photos I posted and not even a “How was the flight?” during conversations. I quickly learned to keep my adoption antics to myself but the conversations rapidly decreased in number. Over the past year there has been next to no contact between us other than a very occasional comment on facebook and those have never been made to me directly, rather they have been made to others in regard to something I may have said. My breaking point came last week, or should I say that it came on my birthday but wasn’t articulated until last week. I’ve never been a real birthday person. I live to show others a good time on their special day but mine was never really special and I long ago stopped hoping anyone would make a big deal out of it. Bastards just don’t get super duper special birthdays in my world. Even though my expectations are low I do expect that the other person who shared that day with me will acknowledge it. This year it didn’t happen. No call, no card, no gift (rofl @ gift as though I get those), no email, no facebook message, not even a damned wall post. I won’t lie, I was hurt and angry. Last year I got a message two days late, this year I got nothing. Oh well, maybe next year? Not if I can help it.

Last week I was trolling her facebook page out of boredom and an inane need to feel connected to her life even though I have obviously been shut out. Then I saw IT. A happy birthday wall greeting from my mother to… my sister’s friend. Uh, what? No really? WTF? Oh yes, there it is in all it’s sappy fucking glory. She took the time to write on the wall of a girl my sister is friends with but couldn’t muster up 30 seconds of her life to say it to me. Once again I am disposable, rejected, unloved and unwanted. I wanted nothing more than to reach through the screen and shake a bitch while yelling “What the hell is wrong with you that I matter so damn little? Is it me? Am I really that unlovable? That intolerable? That horrid of a person and daughter that you ignore the day you brought me into this world???” The little girl inside of me cried and the adult inside of me raged. Now I just feel numb. That is my mother. I rented her womb for 10 months. She literally made me who I am. She gave me away and then 34 years later she cast me aside. Happy Birthday indeed. Today I am glad for my fake birth certificate, I’d hate for anyone to know I was created by such a cruel and cold person.