Diary of an Abandoned Abandoner.

When adoptees surrender.

The Natural Mother Hate On. February 16, 2010

Filed under: adoption — abandonedabandoner @ 12:28 pm

Let me start by saying that my only concern is for my son, always will be, but somewhere in there I need to make sure I am emotionally sound too.

Lately I am seeing a lot of hatred directed at natural mothers who choose to voice their opinions, stories, pain and suffering. I see them being told to “suck it up” by adoptees, told to think about the adoptee, put their own crap aside and focus on what is really important, the adoptee. Hogwash! Maybe it is my status as a “dual dipper” but I think both sides need to work on their own BS first, for themselves and by themselves. It reminds me of something my aunt once said to me “When it seems like the whole world is out to get you take a step back. You aren’t so important that the whole world is out to get you, you are out to get yourself” At the time that pissed me right off but now I see the truth behind it. NOBODY else is responsible for me, my pain is MY pain and it is MY job to secure my own emotional health.

Being adopted or having surrendered a child isn’t a card to be played to force others to do what you want them to do. It is something we all have to work through on our own for ourselves. Nobody else is going to do it for you. Nobody else is going to waltz into your life and make all your hurts disappear. Eventually you have to own your own mind and all the nasty crap locked inside of it. It sucks for sure but you know what? It’s called life.

So for crying out loud stop the pity-party-pissing-contest over who is more hurt or who deserves more sympathy. It isn’t getting anyone anywhere. Adoptees who get angry over a woman expressing her own personal pain and anguish isn’t a direct attack at the adoptee, it is her right to express her emotions the same as anyone else. So when a mom is talking about how her child has hurt her or how losing her child has messed her up let her speak her damn piece.

It isn’t all about you, any of you. If you can’t handle reading the truths from the other side step back and stop reading already!


2 Responses to “The Natural Mother Hate On.”

  1. Cedar Says:

    Great post! I agree entirely with you.

  2. Cricket Says:

    So, maybe it’s only because I’m in a “happy” reunion with my natural family but I can’t ever imagine telling my mother to “suck it up”…that her pain is any less real than mine is.

    I had to tell my mother that I was abused in every possibly way..and she took it all in stride. Unfortunately, she started to blame herself for it. But I told her…it just happened…might have happened in ANY family I was placed with. I don’t blame her..don’t blame myself (can finally say that after months of therapy)..only blame the asshats I grew up with.

    I know that other adoptees might disagree with me…and that’s okay…they live their own truths. My truth is that I am not angry at my mother…just at the system that failed me, and her.


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